@ppppolls

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

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@OkieGirl405

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

@DadandBuried

6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.

@drankturpentine

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

@thenatewolf

Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.

@iamspacegirl

[watching our kid play at the park]

ME: awww, he got your anxiety with strangers
HIM: and look, your irrational fear of birds!

[we smile]

@Ilovelamp1979

Every idiot in Florida just turned on their electric heater & they crashed the grid. Now I’m forced to watch my neighbor sleep in the dark.

@IAmKatieOrr

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

@TheWifeYouLove

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

@stephenjmolloy

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

@thenoahkinsey

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”