Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
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Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
You can insult anyone you want, as long as you end the sentence with “but in a good way”.