@ohthatbadger

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

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@_ElvishPresley_

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

@Marlebean

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

@sageboggs

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

@Lisabug74

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

@seancehat

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

@daemonic3

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

@Avery24adw

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

@Jabba_Jabba_Jaw

You can insult anyone you want, as long as you end the sentence with “but in a good way”.