30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
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*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I’m giving up for Lent.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction