As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
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GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
“Why you watching this shit?”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.