producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.
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[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
*takes an exam in a coffin*
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.
*calls wife into the bedroom*
*dims the lights*
*turns on Marvin Gaye*
*sexily sweeps toddler’s collection of trucks off the bed*