30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.

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The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.


A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.


I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”


Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?


Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.


Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.


*calls wife into the bedroom*
*dims the lights*
*turns on Marvin Gaye*
*sexily sweeps toddler’s collection of trucks off the bed*