30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

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[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!


I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.


Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold


“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops


I can’t help but notice that the Ninja Turtles never wash their hands before eating pizza in the sewer.


Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money


You mean the world to me.

Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?

This is correct.