@BCMontgo [commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
@lisaxy424 30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
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@BCMontgo 
@subtweetopath I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
@TragicAllyHere Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
@dumbbeezie “You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
@mishakey I can’t help but notice that the Ninja Turtles never wash their hands before eating pizza in the sewer.
@LlamaInaTux Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
@sliver_of *hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
@senorlumpy You mean the world to me.
Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?
This is correct.
@Sean_Burgundy_ I’m giving up eating food off the floor for Lent
@ThePocketJustin I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.