30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
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Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.