“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
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date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.