“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
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Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out