[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
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If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”