If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
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I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
goldfish mafia
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.