* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
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[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly