@leslid79

32. Never married. No children. nnI’m the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.

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@mattbooshell

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

@ItsAndyRyan

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

@TeaPartyCat

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

@dshack8

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

@marnipanas

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

@Aspersioncast

If I’ve learnt anything from Zombie movies it’s that people meat is pretty damn stringy.

@e4moji

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

@bourgeoisalien

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

@Average_Dad1

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*