32. Never married. No children. nnI’m the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.

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BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted


“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”


BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.


*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin


For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.


If I’ve learnt anything from Zombie movies it’s that people meat is pretty damn stringy.


Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that


At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”


Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*