After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
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[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Is….Is this an option?
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.