33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
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Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
you gotta be faster
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.