364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

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The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?


I’m off work next week so I’m gonna throw this knife at a map, where it lands I go.

*throws knife, misses map.*

Space, I’m going to space


[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.



Damn girl, are you alcohol? Because I’ve had too much of you and I’m going to throw up.


ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind


“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?


Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”


4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil.

This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank.


What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.