37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles