37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

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This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.


My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.


[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal


After many years I’ve realized I’m allergic to beer. It causes me to break out in places.
Places I have no idea how to get home from.


Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.


*Uses finger to wipe dirt off your face*

Accidentally makes it dirtier with my Cheetos fingers

“You look fine now”


me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood


I’ve been dieting for 2 weeks now and so far I lost 5 Instagram followers.