I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
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This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
After many years I’ve realized I’m allergic to beer. It causes me to break out in places.
Places I have no idea how to get home from.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
*Uses finger to wipe dirt off your face*
Accidentally makes it dirtier with my Cheetos fingers
“You look fine now”
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I’ve been dieting for 2 weeks now and so far I lost 5 Instagram followers.