When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
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I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Hitman: Hey what’s up
Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again
im surprised we havent got nuked yet
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..