37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
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[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.