I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
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It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.