[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
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crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy