@ChicksRule

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

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@CAshmanActor

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

@Lisabug74

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

@dollarslices

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

@GrowlyGrego

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

@TheCleftonTwain

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity

@TravLeBlanc

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

@zachreinert03

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

@doublewenis

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.