3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
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Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
The game has officially changed 😎
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.