@CatsVsHumanity

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

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@Jandalize

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

@iGreenMonk

“For God’s sex, stop making fun of my English.”

#WhereEnglishFails

@MrEd_EVH

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

@AimeeHelene1

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

@_SingleBabyMama

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

@Tmoney68

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

@BuckyIsotope

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

@AristotlesNZ

I don’t know how you women do it. Every time I try to “sleep my way to the top” I get woken up and sent to HR.