(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
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Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
new year update: losing everything but weight
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.