@geowizzacist

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

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@CulturedRuffian

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

@TheBoydP

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

@CelticMoonDance

I’m beginning to question your proclamation of your “spiritual gifts”. You are about as intuitive as my autocorrect.

@MarfSalvador

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

@duplicitron

Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.

@House_Feminist

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

@MarfSalvador

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

@GrumpyComments

If a villain really wanted to kill James Bond, he should just inject HIV into one of his attractive cohorts and then wait.

@AndrewNadeau0

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

@justokpanda

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW