Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
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I’m beginning to question your proclamation of your “spiritual gifts”. You are about as intuitive as my autocorrect.
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
If a villain really wanted to kill James Bond, he should just inject HIV into one of his attractive cohorts and then wait.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.
[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
My sock puppet: WOW