3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
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How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…