I need your parent’s phone number so I can call you & hang up when they answer.
Cause if I’m gonna crush on you, I’m doing it old school.
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
You Might Also Like
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter
DAUGHTER: So I gather
This pill bottle says ‘Take with plenty of fluids’ and ‘Don’t take with alcohol’.
That doesn’t even make sense.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Keep “Christ in “Christopher Lloyd” because without it, he’d be “Opher Lloyd” and that sounds like “overlord.” Huh? I’ll have a Sprite.
“Get your poop in a group” is a childish way of saying “get your shit together” but I prefer my take of “gather the pieces of your feces”
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u