3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
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One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Google assistant rules
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.