[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
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A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
What number SPF blocks people?
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.