me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

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when I had surgery I assumed that when they were giving me aesthetic that they’d count down from ten like you see on the telly but instead a czech nurse just looked down at me and said “goodbye” and I was gone. i laugh every time i think about it.


Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan.

Me: *makes another plate of nachos*


Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles


Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.


“Do not purchase if seal is broke”

*looks over at homeless seal*

*places canned pickles back on the shelf*


If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.


“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.


I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER