@aotakeo

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

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@KenJennings

The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you’re AT BEST his #2 fan.

@MomOfTeen

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

@Maxine12333

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

@motrboatr

Sure I’ll send you a shirtless selfie. Just let me work out for 6 months real quick.

@Sickayduh

As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola, I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror and I think that says alot

@UnFitz

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

@mom_tho

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try