[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
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You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!