[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
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[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.