@solsayswhaaa

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

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@PanicRestroom

It’s like grandma always said…
In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs

@TheCatWhisprer

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

@JustMeTurtle

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

@dog_feelings

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

@stockejock

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

@skedaddle74

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

@Mostly_Cheese

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

@daddydoubts

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

@harriweinreb

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19