[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
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Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
The USS B port
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
new shirt idea
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?