My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

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It’s like grandma always said…
In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs


I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.


Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.


the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together


My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.


Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.


Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?


When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.


I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19