[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
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HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?