Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
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Well well well…
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.