Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
3rd base is actually watching a horror movie then looking up theories about the ending on message boards together
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Cop: FREEZE, DON’T MOVE!!!
Me: *stops moving*
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Cop: for the love of god…unfreeze
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
To the cars honking behind me,
Sorry I held up the drive thru line for 5 minutes counting to make sure I got all 50 of my McNuggets
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY