asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
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SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.