It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
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Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.