9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
bae: come over
bae: my parents aren’t home.
me: but we’re only 7, that’s awful parenting.
me: AWFUL. PARENTING.
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Got kicked out of a mosh pit again for petting people’s hair
If you haven’t used your fingers to “expand” a picture in a Magazine today, well then you’re not me.
DATE: Say hi to my family. This is my mom
ME: This is your mom? She looks like she’d be your sister!
DATE’S MOM: Aww stop it
DATE: This is my grandma
ME: This is your grandma? She looks like she’s 5
DATE’S GRANDMA: What
DATE: This is my great grandma
ME: She doesn’t look born yet
I don’t know why I have to jog with you, you’re the fat one.
Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.