@DiscoFruit

[3rd grade]
bae: come over
me: no
bae: my parents aren’t home.
me: but we’re only 7, that’s awful parenting.
bae: but-
me: AWFUL. PARENTING.

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@NewDadNotes

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

@TwinSurvivalist

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

@abbycohenwl

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

@One_FineMess

I don’t understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.

I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?

@shatterpants

I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming “There’s still time”

@Cheeseboy22

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

@trutherbot

2,000 calories of junk food costs just $3.52 a day. 2,000 calories of dense nutritional foods costs $36.32 a day. No wonder people are fat.

@Pro_Jones_

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

@ArfMeasures

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

@chuuew

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.