Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
bae: come over
bae: my parents aren’t home.
me: but we’re only 7, that’s awful parenting.
me: AWFUL. PARENTING.
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If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I don’t understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.
I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?
I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming “There’s still time”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
2,000 calories of junk food costs just $3.52 a day. 2,000 calories of dense nutritional foods costs $36.32 a day. No wonder people are fat.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.