@DiscoFruit

[3rd grade]
bae: come over
me: no
bae: my parents aren’t home.
me: but we’re only 7, that’s awful parenting.
bae: but-
me: AWFUL. PARENTING.

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@ArfMeasures

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

@WickedDarkEyes

If you haven’t used your fingers to “expand” a picture in a Magazine today, well then you’re not me.

@Home_Halfway

DATE: Say hi to my family. This is my mom
ME: This is your mom? She looks like she’d be your sister!
DATE’S MOM: Aww stop it
DATE: This is my grandma
ME: This is your grandma? She looks like she’s 5
DATE’S GRANDMA: What
DATE: This is my great grandma
ME: She doesn’t look born yet

@thatUPSdude

I don’t know why I have to jog with you, you’re the fat one.

~Dogs

@tsm560

Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.

@revenge_tanukis

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

@o__0Dev

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.