[3rd grade]
bae: come over
me: no
bae: my parents aren’t home.
me: but we’re only 7, that’s awful parenting.
bae: but-

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9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later


If you haven’t used your fingers to “expand” a picture in a Magazine today, well then you’re not me.


DATE: Say hi to my family. This is my mom
ME: This is your mom? She looks like she’d be your sister!
DATE’S MOM: Aww stop it
DATE: This is my grandma
ME: This is your grandma? She looks like she’s 5
DATE: This is my great grandma
ME: She doesn’t look born yet


I don’t know why I have to jog with you, you’re the fat one.



Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.


It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.


Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book


A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.