3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

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i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.


911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*


Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation


I don’t understand why people go to the gym all the time… everything there’s so heavy.


Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.



Wife: *trying to level a picture frame* I’m gonna murder you if you don’t start saying left or right

Me: Wester


Me: What are the lyrics to every 80s sitcom I’ve ever seen
Brain: Coming right up

Me: Remember to pay that bill
Brain: Nope


Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!


MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*