3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
You Might Also Like
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail