i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
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911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I don’t understand why people go to the gym all the time… everything there’s so heavy.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Me: EASTER, EASTER, EASTER
Wife: *trying to level a picture frame* I’m gonna murder you if you don’t start saying left or right
Me: What are the lyrics to every 80s sitcom I’ve ever seen
Brain: Coming right up
Me: Remember to pay that bill
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*