You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
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a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
bury ourselves
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat