@daddydoubts

3yo: dad watch me put on my own socks.

[3 pandemics later]

3yo: done!

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@jonnysun

lets play cops & robbers!
ok! i’ll be robber!
i’ll be cop!
*robber hides*
*cop just starts wrestling all the black kids in the neigborhood*

@BoogTweets

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

@AimeeHelene1

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

@BoomBoomBetty

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

@QwertyJones3

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

@NickBossRoss

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

@GreatestWeight

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

@ieatanddrink

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

@amydillon

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

@FunnyBison

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands