lets play cops & robbers!
ok! i’ll be robber!
i’ll be cop!
*cop just starts wrestling all the black kids in the neigborhood*
3yo: dad watch me put on my own socks.
[3 pandemics later]
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*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands