@daddydoubts

3yo: dad watch me put on my own socks.

[3 pandemics later]

3yo: done!

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@butterwolf

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

@verycozy

Im sorry, but you only have two weeks to live

*slides the doctor a five dollar bill*

Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy

*winks at loved ones*

@stockejock

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

@msbtx

“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.

@Eden_Eats

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

@envydatropic

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

@lecalabara

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

@SCbchbum

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

@TheMichaelRock

Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.

@TheMichaelRock

Look, all I’m saying is that the dinosaurs didn’t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.