3yo: dad watch me put on my own socks.

[3 pandemics later]

3yo: done!

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I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.


Im sorry, but you only have two weeks to live

*slides the doctor a five dollar bill*

Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy

*winks at loved ones*


Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.


“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.


How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?


Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea


Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.


i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.


Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.


Look, all I’m saying is that the dinosaurs didn’t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.