3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
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“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
gm
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.