3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
You Might Also Like
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.