The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
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Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Lol
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
describing stardew valley
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up