Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
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Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
12653.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance