Me: You can just keep that pen.
Me: Yeah. I noticed you don’t wash your hands in the restroom.
Me: I told everyone.
3yo just yelled “face-five!” & slapped his brother in the face. I’m totally using that at work tomorrow.
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Having your 7 year old son clean the toilet is pretty entertaining.
He used Pledge.
In other news I just slid off the toilet, into the tub.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days.
My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet.