@AristotlesNZ

3yo just yelled “face-five!” & slapped his brother in the face. I’m totally using that at work tomorrow.

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@TheMichaelRock

Me: You can just keep that pen.

Coworker: Sure?

Me: Yeah. I noticed you don’t wash your hands in the restroom.

Cw..

Me: I told everyone.

@ManicMinxy

Having your 7 year old son clean the toilet is pretty entertaining.
He used Pledge.
In other news I just slid off the toilet, into the tub.

@bobsin

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

@abbycohenwl

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

@AbbieEvansXO

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

@dadamantium

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

@iwearaonesie

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

@novicefather

I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days.

My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet.