[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
3yo just yelled “face-five!” & slapped his brother in the face. I’m totally using that at work tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Now picture me using proper grammar
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
PERSON: I’m exhausted!
ME: Me too! What’d you do?
PERSON: Ran a half-marathon and helped my pal move. You?
ME: I talked to like 4 people.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
My boyfriend said to surprise him for his birthday so I moved all my stuff into his house while he was at work.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.