@AristotlesNZ

3yo just yelled “face-five!” & slapped his brother in the face. I’m totally using that at work tomorrow.

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@mattZillaaaa

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

@MariyaAlexander

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

@seamussaid

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

@markedly

PERSON: I’m exhausted!

ME: Me too! What’d you do?

PERSON: Ran a half-marathon and helped my pal move. You?

ME: I talked to like 4 people.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

@IamEveryDayPpl

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

@beckyiniowa

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

@BambamVictoria

My boyfriend said to surprise him for his birthday so I moved all my stuff into his house while he was at work.

@RealCarlHardt

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.