New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
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Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums