They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
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50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?