ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door*

3YO: I want a snack.

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When did intentionally misspelling words become a thing? Kewl? Gurl? You know what I dig? Literacy.


[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…


In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.


[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to


Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.


I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn’t have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.


In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???


16: ‘Where’s the remote?’

Me: ‘When I was your age, we had to walk over to the tv to change the channel!’

16: ‘Now you’re just making stuff up.’


Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president


Her: have you had the sex talk with our son yet?

Me: *looks over at son wearing crocs* I think we can wait a few years