3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
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[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him