3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
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everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”