3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
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That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.