[At Wedding Ceremony]
Me: [Distributing my visiting cards] I’m a divorce lawyer
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
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What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
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Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
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When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought a android Ipad.