Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
You Might Also Like
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
sir, my pâté if you please
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Bootstraps