I’m guessing whoever coined the phrase “no news is good news” obviously did not have children that were playing quietly in their rooms.
3yo: what are you eating?
Me, just ate chips: nothing
3yo: let me smell your breath
This is a prison
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“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I don’t make the rules sorry
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.