@BunAndLeggings

3yo: what are you eating?

Me, just ate chips: nothing

3yo: let me smell your breath

This is a prison

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@sweetmomissa

I’m guessing whoever coined the phrase “no news is good news” obviously did not have children that were playing quietly in their rooms.

@GrantTanaka

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

@TheHyyyype

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

@AubriePesky

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

@notacroc

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

@Browtweaten

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

@TheAlexNevil

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.