I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
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I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
i hate you platonically
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.