Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

Who are we?
CLIENTS!

What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!

When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!