I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
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[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Nothing. Nothing at all
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.