@daddydoubts

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

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@nyquills

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

@AverageCorners

Me: Okay, bed time.

Brain: I’m with you, man. I’m tired.

Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE “PATIENCE” BY GUNS N’ ROSES!

@MadGamer79

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

@XLToast

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

@jkrambles

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

@Tipocazzuto

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

@climaxximus

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

@simoncholland

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

@aimlessamers

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.