Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
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Me: Okay, bed time.
Brain: I’m with you, man. I’m tired.
Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE “PATIENCE” BY GUNS N’ ROSES!
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
*opens bathroom door so everyone can hear me washing my hands*
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.