*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
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Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Hey i am sexy to you now
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems