@heyitsJudeD

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

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@Dad_At_Law

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

@hpheisler

I love that the boat is stuck because every other piece of global news is so hard to comprehend or explain.

The boat? It’s just stuck. Stuff won’t go. Boat needs to be not stuck. That’s it.

@Pmerrily

I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong

@wittwitbarista

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

@dumbbeezie

When someone tells you that you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things

@BigBagOfScum

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

@lil_mermaid

i feel disrespected by the shift in candy size naming from “king size” to “sharing size”. i don’t share candy. im the king