4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
You Might Also Like
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Support your local cemetery
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on