I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
If I ever lose my phone I want Liam Neeson looking for it
70 yr old boss: i have the body of a fit 30 yr old.
Me: where? Buried in your rose garden?
The best part of a handshake is the knuckles. I dunno why, but the blender just brings out their richness and flavour