4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
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Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
what are they serving at kfc then???
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird