4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
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Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Morning my dudes.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother